Nug Humping Bastard
by AlexDnD
Summary: This is a Dragon Age Origins story about a caustic casteless dwarf recruited into the Gray Wardens. Expect him to be an irreverent bastard. Parts of this story may be a bit AU for entertainment purposes.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** This is a Dragon Age Origins story about a caustic casteless dwarf recruited into the Gray Wardens. Expect him to be an irreverent bastard. Parts of this story may be a bit AU for entertainment purposes.

**Chapter 1:** The Beginning

It was another early stone cursed morning. I opened my bloodshot eyes and stared at the fucking ball of light waking me from my slumber. It was an unnatural thing and I cursed its freaky presence every nug blasted morning.

I grumble as I get up cursing under my breath. It was only a few weeks ago I was happy and content underneath the stone in Orzammar. Well not content or happy. But at least I wasn't staring up at the sky every bloomin day. If I couldn't fall up into the sky than what in the ancestor's name prevented the blasted sun from crashing onto us?

It made my head hurt thinking about it. I looked around for some decent brew and to make matters worse it was all gone.

"Duncan! How do you expect me to fight the bleeding nug humping darkspawn if you don't have any blasting ale?"

The Grey Warden smiled at me and said, "We'll arrive in Ostagar today. There we will be resupplied and I'll make sure to ask for extra ale. You are in luck that the king thinks highly of us and listens to our requests."

"I guess your king ain't half bad for a surface dweller than. Well? What are you waiting for let's move there is ale to be had!"

Duncan gave me another smile. I think the bastard was amused at my single minded devotion to alcohol. Mead, ale or whisky it didn't matter. If I wasn't fighting or fucking I wanted to have the good stuff flowing in my veins. Being part of the casteless meant I didn't get the good stuff often enough. One of the perks of being a Gray Warden was the promise of ale.

Not that I had a choice about joining. It was that or be executed because the nutless bastards in the warrior caste were offended by me mopping the floor with their prized fighters. I had been ready to take out a score of the blighters before they took me down but Duncan gave me a way out. My life, a promise of ale and all the fighting I could stomach.

The man had been impressed my fighting skills. And I'll give him that he has a good eye. I've never been beat in a fair fight against another dwarf. I'm bigger and stronger than a lot of my kin and tougher than a bronto's hide. My casteless tattoo sits on my right cheek above the impressive beard I was growing out. Sadly I only had a thin leather jerkin for armor but I had been requisitioned with a solid round shield and a stout hammer.

I loved hammers. Bladed weapons are for pansies and their ilk. Nothing feels better than to smash a good maul or war hammer into someone's face. The crunch is music to my ears. I'd never been on any of the wars with the darkspawn and was looking forward to seeing if their skulls broke just as easily.

Despite the man's longer legs I was outpacing him and he was forced to walk faster to match my stride. I wanted ale, a roof over my head and a good fight. In any order would be fine but this walking on the surface with nothing to drink and nothing to fight was driving me mad.

"Remember Lortag you still have to go through the joining before you're officially a Gray Warden."

I snorted. I didn't fear any sort of ritual hazing or trial they had planned. I was Lortag the toughest son of a bitch in Orzammar and I was ready to take on anything this blighted surface world could throw at me.

**AN: **This is one of those little plot bunnies that wasn't going away. I'm also experimenting with first person perspective – any critiques good or bad will be appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Oh before I forget – I don't own Dragon Age.

**Chapter 2:** Ostagar

When we arrived at the camp Duncan went to talk to the important people like the king and his general and I went for the ale. Feeling much better after quaffing several tankards I decided to go find this Alistair fellow. He was the newest fully fledged Gray Warden and would be guiding me through their little initiation.

The camp held little interest to me. Not a single surface dwarf lass. Not that I cared much for those sun touched fools but it had been _awhile_. A dwarf has needs ya know? Wounded dogs and prisoners in cages held little interest to me so I walked on by without stopping.

'Ah there is the blighter Duncan asked me to find.'

Said blighter was arguing with a man in robes. Probably one of those finger waggling mage bastards. We dwarves don't have much contact with their ilk outside of the random darkspawn who sends bolts of lightning and waves of chill at us. Seems like surface nonsense to me, unnatural like the blasted sun.

"And here I was going to name one of my children after you, the grumpy one." Alistair remarked at the mage.

I snickered as I saw the comment cause the mage's brow to furrow in annoyance. They wrapped up their conversation and Alistair turned to me.

"Duncan told me to find you."

"Ah you must be the new recruit. My name is Alistair."

I looked at him. His gear looked solid, could have been better with a hammer to go with the shield instead of a bleeding sword though.

"I know. You're going to be helping out with the initiation."

"Initiation?"

Was the lad daft?

"The Joining Duncan has been blathering on about."

Alistair looked slightly taken aback. "Oh yes, as the junior member of the order it will be my job to help prepare the ritual."

"Well let's go then. The faster I get this over with the faster I can go bash some darkspawn in and get drunk."

"Have you ever fought an actual darkspawn?"

"No but the bloody fucks can't be worse than a bronto in heat."

Alistair looked at me uncertainly. Maybe he didn't know what a bronto was? I wasn't about to explain it to him. Finally he continues, "Darkspawn aren't something you should take lightly. I wasn't prepared for how monstrous they were."

"Yeah well you aren't me so quit wasting time running your mouth and tell me what I need to do."

Alistair sighed. I could tell he wasn't impressed with me. That was fine I didn't care about his good opinion. I'd let my hammer do the talking.

"Let's go find Duncan," he finally said.

*****BREAK*****

We got back to Duncan and were to be sent out into the wilds in search of darkspawn and their blood. While we are out there we have to pick up some ancient pieces of parchment. I wasn't fully paying attention as I was already fantasying about splattering darkspawn.

I wasn't the only recruit either. Some guy in leather armor and some blighter in chainmail were also going to be joining us. The guy in the heavier armor also had a big blooming sword on his back. They were a talkative group which was damned annoying as it had been awhile since my last tankard of ale. I'd need to look into getting some wineskins so I could carry the brew with me.

I eventually tuned out the blather about the wilds and sir what's his face's wife and their baking nug. Blah blah blah, where were the fucking darkspawn?

As if an answer to my silent plea Alistair shouted out a warning and the darkspawn were upon us.

A half dozen hurlocks charged us while a pair of genlocks fired arrows at us. Fucking pansies. I took an arrow on the shield and sprinted forward, head low. Alistair is there beside me but despite my shorter stride I sped past him and slammed into the first hurlock. My shield crunches into his belly and I knock the ugly blighter to the ground. My hammer comes up and then descends on his ugly skull and it cracks even easier than a dwarf's.

I let out a wordless battle cry after my first kill. My hammer was smeared with blood and brain matter just as it should be. The next hurlock takes a swing at me and I duck under the blow and let my hammer sing again. This time it rings against the darkspawn's kneecap and shatters it with one blow. I moved to finish it off but another one of the nug suckers charged me.

The creature's battleaxe was deflected by my shield and I returned the favor with a hammer to the gut. The hurlock had armor on so I didn't hear the satisfying crunch of bone. The earlier darkspawn I had kneecapped rose up on one leg only to find an arrow blossoming in his throat.

I battered the hurlock's armor a bit more and fended off the axe strikes with my shield. After two or three I managed to double it over and finish it off with a horizontal slam with my hammer that broke the thing's neck.

I looked up and saw Alistair finishing a hurlock and the human with the great sword cleaving one of the genlocks. The other genlock was already down with an arrow in the eye which left me one hurlock. It had been trying to circle around Alistair when I whacked it in the spine causing it to arch in pain. My next hammer blow smashed its jaw and my third blow caved in his skull. Satisfied with my work I looked smugly as my companions.

"Nothing to it lads!"

The archer in our group put up his bow and smiled in agreement. The big blighter with the great sword was breathing hard. "That was different than I expected, there was no glory in this."

"Glory? My hammer's dripping with darkspawn juice, if that ain't glorious what in the stone is?"

Alistair redirected us to our task and we collected the darkspawn blood. I was in a much better mood now that my bloodlust had been sated. Well at least for now. The darkspawn weren't terrible fighters but they were a bit underwhelming compared to the stories the casteless liked to tell. But then again so had been the vaunted warrior caste in the Proving arena.

"All right now we need to find those treaties. I'll warn you if there are more darkspawn ready to attack. It is one of the powers we Gray Wardens get."

"Lead us to a big pack of them for us Alistair," you encourage.

The blighter who had complained about no glory in butchering darkspawn looked horrified, "No that is a foolish risk. We should find what we came to get and return as soon as possible."

"Coward," I snarled at him and spat on the ground.

"I'm not a coward but your suggestion is foolish and reckless."

Alistair interjects, "Lortag those treaties are important. We are not going to be looking for a fight." He paused and looked at me, "But the wilds are teeming with darkspawn so I'm sure you'll get more chances to bash some heads in."

"Good now quit yapping and let's go!"

**AN: **Hopefully I've retained some interest in the story. If so let me know with a review!


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